I think I won the penis lottery.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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