my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
