it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
