I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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