I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
