guys are not supposed to queef...right?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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