If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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