wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
