He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
