so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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