yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Randomize
