i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
