I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
