Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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