Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize