Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
