you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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