At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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