that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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