Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
