I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
