i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
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You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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