i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
