hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
