I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
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Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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