I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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