Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
