Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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