my phone needs a breathalizer
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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