I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I woke up under a house in Key West
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