yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I take back everything I said about communal showers
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
