I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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