I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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