i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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