Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
