I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
