She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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