She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
