I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
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I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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