his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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