Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
