if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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