The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
