I think my vagina is haunted
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Can you repeat that, but with context?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
