Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
