i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
