Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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