I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
