Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
