And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
