I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
