Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
