she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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