The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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