Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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