I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
