Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
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No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
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Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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