The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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