Don't make out with my wife yet
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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