Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We have started to decorate penises.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
