i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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