I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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