Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
