do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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