everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
