I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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