At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
